How taking advantage can improve your relationship

In relationships, we know that teamwork makes the dream work, but how often does it feel like the "work" is one-sided?

Though it may be rare for one to exclaim outrightly, 'I am the more competent partner in this relationship', it wouldn't be so uncommon for one to feel that the qualities they possess that benefit said relationship aren't shared equally. Here's why I believe this is a good thing. 

What do you bring to the table? 

Something I pride myself in is that when it comes to gift-giving, I often do well with making the receiver feel as though I’ve picked up on all their subtle hints when looking for a gift. My goal is to make them feel a sensation of being heard and the comfort of being well known by a friend. 

Naturally, the person who benefits the most from my gift-giving is my wife, Abbie. Whether it’s Christmas, our anniversary or her birthday, I’m always looking forward to how I can tell her “I’ve been paying attention” or “this is how I feel about you” with the gifts I give.

It’s a fantastic feeling to see her reaction when she opens her presents, and all my efforts are realised in that single moment.

However, what doesn’t feel so fantastic is the feeling I get when I unravel the packaging for the gifts I receive from her on similar occasions. I don’t get the same sensation of feeling “well-known” or “heard”, and I was beaten up about this for a long time. My internal response was, 

“you’re showing that you don’t care about me as much as I care about you”. 

This was until I had a significant shift in perspective while applying for a job. 

Unfair advantages

During my preparations for a job interview, I looked over my CV and noted the experience I’ve gained from other jobs and skills I’ve acquired over time. When I compared my talent with the job description, I knew I’d be in an advantageous position when leveraging my strengths for success in the interview. Suddenly, the proverbial lightbulb switched on in my head. I asked myself, 

“why is it that I’m willing to take advantage of the strengths I have to offer when it can improve the chance of success concerning this job, but when it comes to improving the success rate of a healthy marriage, I view offering my strengths as some form of injustice?”

Success can’t always be boiled down to hard work. In almost all success stories, you can trace a pattern of unfair advantages that undeniably contribute.

• As talented and hard-working as he is, Usain Bolt had a significant genetic advantage over his competitors, with his height allowing him to execute long strides when running.

• Many talented songwriters and musicians will face countless obstacles trying to break the music biz while many others will have the advantage of knowing the right people in the industry.

• A candidate for a job whom bilingual parents raised will have an advantage over his competitors simply because he can speak two languages.

Success is invariably a mixture of hard work and “unfair” advantage. Who's to say the same rules wouldn’t apply to the success of a relationship? 

I just so happened to be the last born in a household of seven children (not to mention uncle to an ever-increasing number of nieces and nephews). Between birthdays, Christmas and other occasions, I had the advantage of honing my gift-giving skills many times a year. On the other hand, Abbie, who is the youngest of only two children, through no fault of her own, didn’t get the chance to sharpen her gift-giving skills as I did. 

Should I feel a sense of injustice from the person I love most, enjoying the benefits of what I can do well? 

Am I really on the losing end when I get the privilege of being able to put my wife’s needs above my own needs?

With studies in America reporting that almost 50% of marriages now end in divorce, I reckon every advantage possible should be taken to increase the chance of a successful marriage… even if the advantage can be stated as “unfair”. 

Everything in balance

Suppose it was my wife that wrote this article. I do not doubt she would be able to write an encyclopedia giving full details of her experiences and acquired skills that I unfairly benefit from daily. It would be wrong of me to think otherwise, and the challenge I have as a result is to study to become an expert in my wife’s strengths. Giving her acknowledgement and praise for them so she can feel appreciated, but primarily, so I don’t give myself license to think ‘I am the more competent partner in this relationship.’